Review: Baby Monkey (going backwards on a pig)

Baby Monkey (going backwards on a big) is a song first and a game second. That may be a tad excessive, but there is no question the song grabbed me before anything else. The song is from a popular YouTube video that escaped my eyes until I played this game—I'm not all up in your internets. the song was born in mind of Parry Gripp, who somehow managed to elude me all this time. It seems ridiculous to create a game inspired by a short, humorous video/song, but what's even more ridiculous is the fact Baby Monkey is a fun little game even if muted.

The actual game behind Baby Monkey is an endless runner-esque game where you control both pig and baby monkey, jumping to avoid obstacles while also jumping to collect bananas. The pig is capable of plowing through objects and incapable of plowing through earth or running over pits—I'd like to see you try and do it. The monkey who happens to be a baby will be knocked off if the pig makes any contact with an object and must jump to avoid this while also grabbing bananas at the same time. It may sound tedious having to control two characters at once, but it never got overwhelming or too difficult.

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Review: Toy Soldiers: Cold War (XBLA)

When the Summer of Arcade '11 titles were announced, I was least excited for Toy Soldiers: Cold War—yes, Fruit Ninja Kinect grabbed me more than Cold War. Despite loving the original, I just couldn't find that same love when looking at the sequel. Then I played the game and everything changed—I remembered why I loved the original and found more to love in Cold War. To put it in rather simplistic terms, Cold War is the "G.I. Joe" to the original's "Army Men." What I mean with that comparison is while the original was very plain and somewhat serious stylistically, Cold War increases the action and adds an over-the-top sense of humour.

Action is expanded thanks to more vehicles and all-new attack barrages, including the player-controlled "Commando" barrage. Attack barrages are powerful weapons earned from killing key enemies and include such common attacks as bombing runs, artillery strikes, and the always-popular A-130 gunship. The less common "Commando" barrage puts you in control of an 80's-esque action star—think Stallone and Lundgren—and allows you to kick ass while enjoying some cheesy dialogue. Another new addition is the ability to rewind to a previous enemy wave if you feel as if you could have done things better, but I personally never ended up using the feature.

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Impressions: Madden 12

Having just played the Madden 12 demo, I am surprised by my ability to successfully run the ball on a consistent basis. In fact, I am surprised by the overall quality of Madden's gameplay in general this year. The tackling, physics, and ability to play a more balanced game are all improved and this is the first time I have been excited about a Madden game in years, possibly the first time since NFL 2K's murder. There are many tweaks that all come together to deliver an experience where no single aspect is always the way to go—i.e. always blitzing or running slot routes.

The improved gameplay is accompanied by much needed improvements to presentation—such as team-specific intros and an overall look more reminiscent to an actual football game. The most impressive improvement, however, is the detail put into Jay Cutler's massive eye-bags. That being said, the visuals are very much the same and I really wish there would be a jump in quality at any point in time. By any point in time, I mean why is the series still unable to blow my mind visually?

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Hard Lines has been updated to the extreme

You are probably sick of hearing me talk and talk about Hard Lines, but I have more to say and I have no plans on stopping. That being said, I have a good reason for wasting your time today: Hard Lines has recently been updated with craziness that gives me my own "hard line." This update includes a transformation into a universal app—Extreme HD Mode unlocked with a $1.99 in-app purchase—and Game Center integration, along with other gameplay tweaks here and there.

I'm sure some people will complain about an in-app purchase for iPad extremeness, but those are probably the same people who complain about paying more than a dollar for an iOS game, or even paying at all. I, for one, am happy to support a game I love and a couple of guys who have put a lot of work into the best iOS game I've played. I'm sure the thought has crossed the occasional mind, but let me remind everyone that I do not work for Spilt Milk Studios; I just really, really love this game.

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Review: Back to the Future: The Game (Multi)

*Note: This is a review of all five episodes as a whole, not just this one or that one.

Back to the Future is a film I love and a franchise I like—the second film was kind of ridiculous and the third film simply existed. That being said, games based on the license have not always been of a quality that reminds one of happy thoughts. Back to the Future: The Game is the first game surrounding the franchise in well over a decade—Universal Studios Theme Park Adventure does not count—and it is only kind of worth the wait. Keep in mind the game was reviewed on PlayStation 3, but is also available on PC, Mac, and the iPad.

Back to the Future: The Game is an adventure game from Telltale Games, so anyone who has played a Telltale game knows exactly what to expect, with some minor differences. For the inexperienced, you take direct control of Marty McFly's movement and select points/items of interest with the right analog stick and a press of the 'X' button. The controls are simple, but feel extremely clunky and like a PC game ported to a console. I found myself struggling with the controls until the very end, constantly moving in the wrong direction and trying to find where invisible walls end and open terrain begins. The act of selecting  and using items is easy enough, but there is still plenty of room for improvement.

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Review: Catherine (Multi)

The entirety of my Catherine playthrough was bipolar; I would be loving the game one second and find myself annoyed the next. It's not that the game ventures into bad territory, but simply goes down a path of nonsense that took me out of the experience more than once. Some may say the Persona games were just as ridiculous, if not more, but those games made sense in their own, contained worlds. In all honesty, Catherine's world isn't the problem; in fact, the main character's [Vincent] personality and uncontrollable choices are the problem.

My biggest complaint is that the game gives you numerous choices, but in reality every choice is an illusion that means nothing. Yes, the story will alter depending on the choices you make at key moments, but there is far too much already set in stone—I sat in front of my television wanting to take control of a cinematic's narrative more than I'd like to admit. It is a huge disappointment when the game utilizes interesting ways of giving the player choice, as well as the stereotypical morality meter.

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Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars HD on sale now

I have started putting up little posts about games going on sale because when I think about it, I don't have a reason not to post about a sale for a game/product I love. The sale today is Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars HD—the iPad version—which has dropped to its lowest price to date: $2.99. I am a huge fan of this game and loved it on DS, PSP, and even found it quite playable on iOS. At merely three dollars, I don't see a reason for iPad owners to pass unless they never enjoyed the series. And to end this with something horrible, the only grand theft here is you paying only $2.99 for this great game. What?! It was such an obvious choice and I really couldn't help myself. Okay, that is a complete and utter lie. I could have totally helped myself.

Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars HD (iPad -- $2.99)

Freebie Alert: To-Fu: The Trials of Chi (iOS)

A game I have been loving for quite some time has just gone free for seventy-two hours. The game is none other than To-Fu: The Trials of Chi—for both iPhone/iPod Touch and iPad—because apparently I'm a hipster and hipsters love crap like to-fu. For those unaware—obviously the people who would be most interested— The Trials of Chi is a platformer that doesn't use a control pad or buttons. The Trials of Chi works similarly to games like Angry Birds, in which you stretch and shoot the little piece of to-fu in a direction. The unique—but not exclusively unique—take on platforming delivers a calmer experience that haters of "twitch" gaming can enjoy. Either way, the game is currently free and you really have no excuse, even if you don't own an Apple product. Quoting the "genius," Justin Bieber, "never say never."

To-Fu: The Trials of Chi (Free)

To-Fu: The Trials of Chi HD (Free)

Review: Transformers: Dark of the Moon (Game)

Having never played Transformers: War for Cybertron, Transformers: Dark of the Moon popped by "developed by High Moon Studios" Transformers cherry. And just like real life, poppin' my cherry in this situation was just as uneventful—it didn't last long and I doubt I'll remember it in a week. That is not to say the game is bad, it's just as average as average can be. To put it in perspective, my favorite moment was experiencing Nolan North not only in voice, but visually as well—seen early on in a video.

For those who care about the current Transformers films, Dark of the Moon is a prequel to the film of the same name. There is no LaBeouf, no transforming females, and nothing that makes me immediately think of the films; though, I have not seen the latest despite watching Michael Bay and company destroy my home of Chicago in person. The story may be of interest to someone invested in the films, but I stopped paying attention almost immediately. I would expect those interested in the game to be more curious about the gameplay and the gameplay was just as uninteresting.

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There's a reason they didn't call her Mrs. 'Splosion Man

Ms. 'Splosion Man has plenty of game, but her charm is almost non-existent. Everything I loved about 'Splosion Man—the gameplay, style, music, and charm—found its way into Ms. 'Splosion Man except for the charm. This lack of charm is due to an abundance of dialogue from the title character and her "nails on a blackboard" voice. Quoting 90's female pop songs is a great idea, but saying them over and over again every thirty seconds is a horrible idea, especially when there isn't much variety. There was a point when she threw out three separate quotes in about fifteen seconds and I just wanted to slap her.

I relieved this annoyance by muting the vocal-specific audio, but this only managed to remove an irritation and did nothing to add charm. Getting past my distaste for the choices made specifically with the character, the game is still fun for the most part. The gameplay is basically identical with new aspects added on a fairly regular basis and some really well thought out level design; however, the camera can force multiple attempts due to cheapness and not user error. The visuals are improved and my favorite part of the game is without question, the music. I eventually stopped playing because a charmless game is not as enjoyable as a "charmless man" and I ceased having any fun.

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